That day, at last the main competitive exams for children in the 12th standard was over and all of us could then breathe easy.
From that night to right till about an hour or so into the mid morning the next day, I was under the sway of a powerful mental-emotional spell which urged me to be competitive, brash, uncaring of anything other than personal ambitions. On the whole, it was a fist-clenching, forging-ahead attitude full of grit and devil-may-care slant of mind, while mentally nurturing the rekindling of the goals perceived as hibernating.
The triggering events were two: the first has already been mentioned above, whereby I felt- not quite appropriately, for no one had stopped me- as if I was now free to pursue my own ends; the second was the movie we saw that night; it was based on a book written by one of India's famous whiz kids. The fact that this man's book could be made into a successful big banner movie, conflagrated my desires for some substantially more worldly success. A thousand of my pet projects came tumbling out of my mind's recesses, clamoring for fruition.
At just that moment the thought of the Ashta Sila came to mind; one of those eight precepts enjoins oneself to abstain from watching entertainment shows. The reason for undertaking the precept became apparent as I went over my mental frame of that day. So powerfully disturbing was the effect of the movie that the meditation session of the morning -after had hardly a moment of Mindfulness in it. Not only these entertainment shows leave your mind distracted, sometimes agitated as well, as in my case, but, and importantly, it takes away scarce time that could be used in Practice.
As if to shame myself further, I had already committed to one more 'sufi music' concert the following evening....prayers for myself and my well being!
The spell of a towering ambition for worldly success has the potential of clouding one's sense of discernment to the same degree as a period of rage; only the spell of ambition lasts longer and is hard to be aware of, where as, at least to some infinitesimal degree, one is aware that one is angry when one is so. This is an insight I was not aware of so clearly right till then.
The question that reared its head then was how to conduct one's life in a balanced manner? I mean how much of ambition to stoke and how much to douse? Perhaps the answer lies in doing the best under the situation, doing it with the intention of highest good for all concerned, all the while being crystal clear about the motives deep within- aligning these with the highest good, and then to let the results take care of themselves. No, it doesn't end there- one has to learn to accept the result, as it is, and then move on. To do this again and again with every presenting opportunity to exert one's ability, and to do it while being aware as it is being done, if that can be done, would be a big success in itself!
On top of this disturbing frame of mind that day, there was also the news of a dear friend having undergone a coronary angioplasty over the previous weekend. These events in one's circle of friends also influences oneself; this time the effect was a sobering one. In a funny sense, such news can act as a measure of helping one's cholesterol- I let the very enticing biscuit fall back in its container on hearing of the news. This time, however, I knew that I was dropping the biscuit as I was doing it!
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